The Jackie Cantwell Swimwear Laws

I went to HI two weeks ago and I spent the past weekend at Myrtle Beach and my ability to control my comments about other people's bathing suit choices is now gone. So here are the new rules, and I expect everyone to follow them, for the general public benefit:

1.) Just because you can physically fit into a particular bathing suit does not mean it fits you properly. You should only wear bathing suits that actually fit.

2.) Bathing suits should be age appropriate. Just because they sell bikinis in the store that you shop in does not make them automatically appropriate for you. If you don't have the body for a bikini, you are not allowed to wear one. I don't care if you are "forty and fabulous" you have passed the time in your life when a bikini was appropriate.

3.) You are not allowed to wear a bikini if you're pregnant. I'm sorry, it's just wrong.

4.) For both men and women, your bottom should cover your bottom. If I can see butt crack, it's too low.

5.) Speedos are totally illegal. Not manly and not attractive.

6.) If you're going to wear a string bikini you need to double knot the strings. And that's all I'm going to say on that one.

7.) General rule of thumb, if you would not want to see someone else of your age and body type wearing that bathing suit, you shouldn't either.